I am coping. Minute by minute, day by day. I had no idea that death could be so hard. So lonely, so empty and so complicated.
Just when I think I am cried out, I cry.
Just when I think I will drop, I move.
I go through the motions.
I miss him so.
It has been two weeks. I know, I know, a drop in the bucket.
I am muddling through all the complications of death.
TBHITW did it all. He handled all the finances, the business, the complicated stuff of daily life... taking out the garbage, oil changes, paying bills. We always said that if he "made the living, I would make it worth living"...
I got lazy in the last two years since I left the "corporate world"... now I am trying to pick up all the pieces. His business, my business, the house, kids... dog... ugg. On top of that I would just like to lay around in his robe with his picture and a glass of wine. I'm trying my best. That has to do for now. I get up, get dressed, and go through the motions of life. I walk the dog. I watch the clock until it is a respectable time to go to bed. Then I get up and do it all again the next day. I feel like a puppet on a string. Or a fragile glass. Any one twitch or bump and I will shatter and break.
Everyone says it will get better with time. Really? I want to shout at them REALLY???? How??? Is he going to walk through that door? Is he going to hold me in his arms? Is he going to kiss me one more time and tell me I'm beautiful?? Well, if not, then how is it going to get better?
But I don't shout at anyone. I just nod my head and say thank you and agree with them.
And while I am screaming inside I am getting two kidadults ready for college and one 16 year old ready for his junior year in high school. And I'm doing the laundry and running the vacuum. And all the while I'm thinking... how can this be?
He came and kissed me the other day. I was napping. I always read or napped (okay, okay, napped) between 3 & 4pm on the weekend (okay, okay, during the week too)... he would be up in his office and would ask me what time I would like to wake up if I happened to fall asleep (while reading). I would say, "oh, four o'clock. I was in that half way zone of awake and asleep and I felt someone sit down and gently kiss me. It was so nice, so gentle.. I opened my eyes and it was four o'clock.
That is what keeps me going.