I told myself I was not going to cry this morning.
I took my coffee out onto the front porch and sat in his rocker.
I am wearing his wedding ring and find comfort in feeling the smooth, cool gold band on my own finger. I don't know why but I slipped the ring off and read the inscription. I had forgotten what I had engraved there. It says "At Last" and our wedding date. We really loved that song. It was just the way we felt when we found each other.
So then I cried. Once I start it is hard to stop. I'm past the intense sobbing, the physical shaking. Now tears just roll down my face like I have been doing this all my life.
My brother and his wife are coming to dinner tonight. I'm happy for that. I have some beautiful grass-fed, free range filet mignons that I was saving for a special occasion. Isn't that silly? Everyday is a special occasion. How could I have forgotten that? How could I have forgotten the inscription on our wedding rings?
I can't cook from a recipe right now but I can grill steaks, steam corn and slice tomatoes.
I dreamt of him last night. In my dream I told him that he was a wonderful man, a wonderful provider. He told me that no one had ever told him that before me.
I don't know if it was him talking or my dream talking. I'd like to think it was him, but I couldn't see his face and the house we were in was full of holes. In the walls, the floors, everywhere there were holes. Just like my heart.