Sunday, August 22, 2010

At Last

I told myself I was not going to cry this morning.

I took my coffee out onto the front porch and sat in his rocker.

I am wearing his wedding ring and find comfort in feeling the smooth, cool gold band on my own finger. I don't know why but I slipped the ring off and read the inscription. I had forgotten what I had engraved there. It says "At Last" and our wedding date. We really loved that song. It was just the way we felt when we found each other.

So then I cried. Once I start it is hard to stop. I'm past the intense sobbing, the physical shaking. Now tears just roll down my face like I have been doing this all my life.

My brother and his wife are coming to dinner tonight. I'm happy for that. I have some beautiful grass-fed, free range filet mignons that I was saving for a special occasion. Isn't that silly? Everyday is a special occasion. How could I have forgotten that? How could I have forgotten the inscription on our wedding rings?

I can't cook from a recipe right now but I can grill steaks, steam corn and slice tomatoes.

I dreamt of him last night. In my dream I told him that he was a wonderful man, a wonderful provider. He told me that no one had ever told him that before me.
I don't know if it was him talking or my dream talking. I'd like to think it was him, but I couldn't see his face and the house we were in was full of holes. In the walls, the floors, everywhere there were holes. Just like my heart.

18 comments:

  1. I would like to think it was him talking to you. My heart crys for you as I wrap myself around your reality. I will not stop praying. XX

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  2. I think dreaming would be natural and maybe even helpful right now. You are being held up by so many people and lots of people are sending love and support.

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  3. Those words inscribed on your wedding ring are so precious. As are the thoughts you share.

    CJ xx

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  4. When my mom died, she did talk to me in dreams. Some of the things didn't make sense at the time, but later, became very clear.

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  5. I am so sad for your loss and will keep you in my prayers. I hope you have so many happy memories to fill your saddest days.

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  6. I, too would like to think that your dream was a way of bringing you happiness at the time you needed it. Thanks for putting the song on as it made me feel so good listening to it. I can see why you two loved it so much.
    Odie

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  7. I have been sharing your entries with my husband. He has shed a tear or two for you along with me. We are both thinking of you today. Knowing there is really nothing anyone can do to make your hurt go away, but we would if we could. Surround yourself with all those folks who love you and care about you.

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  8. Everyday is a special occasion.

    I believe it was him talking in your dream.

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  9. I have that cd. Etta James singing At Last is unforgettable - just as your love with TBHITW. That inscription was very special.

    Just as with Kathy - my husband is along for this journey, once he found me crying yesterday. Cooking will be good. That is who you are inside, and will one day be what helps you feel happiness again. I was preparing some salads for a friend's horse function yesterday, listening to music, enjoying the creativity, when I thought of you.

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  10. Hello, I am hurtng with you. No words of any help whatsoever. Just know people are thinking of you and wishing you well.

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  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. Right after I lost my Auntie and second mama, she came to me in a dream. I firmly believe it was her speaking to me...letting me know she was ok and at peace. My prayers are with you!

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  12. Visiting from Unknown Mami...and sending you prayers from Georgia.

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  13. I am so, so very sorry. I wish that I could take some of the pain from you so that you could rest... I can't take it from you, but I can cry with you. I don't know you, but my heart is with you and I grieve with you. I am sorry.

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  14. I am familiar with your feelings as I have lost loved ones too.

    came here from Mami's blog.

    Take all the time you need to gather strength. I'll come by to check on you!

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  15. I am visiting from Unknown Mami's blog and am in tears after reading your blog posts. I am saddened that you've had to experience such loss. Few can say they've experienced the love the two of you shared. Hopefully your dreams provided some comfort. Knowing he is there.

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  17. He visited you! The holes will fill. Don't worry. They will. I promise you.

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Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love feedback... what with being a cook and all. I will respond to your comments via email (if you do not have a "noreply" address or here, below your comment) As always, Bon Appetite!

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