Good News Regarding Health

My sister, S is a nurse and she frequently sends me the latest thinking on health matters. I thought I'd share this one with you: ;-)  Q: Doctor,  I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  A: Your heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.     Q: Should  I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?  A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100 % of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.  Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?  A: Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.  Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?  A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!  Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you?   A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?   Q:  Will sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft around  the middle?  A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.   Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   A:  Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?   A:  If   swimming is good for your figure,  explain whales to  me.  Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?   A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape!   Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.  For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.     1 . The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 2 . The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.  3 . The Chinese drink very little  red wine and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 4 . The  Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.   5 . The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  CONCLUSION:   Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills  you.