Today was the hardest day yet.
Two weeks ago we went to the beach for a family vacation.
One week ago we spent the day at TBHITW's wake and funeral mass.
Today, we, became I.
Saturday and Sunday mornings were always special in this house. I am a spoiled, pampered woman.
TBHITW always got up before me.
Every morning he brought me coffee in bed. Like I said, spoiled and pampered.
He would bring me my coffee and climb back into bed and we would talk about the day ahead of us.
Where were the kidadults? Who had to work? Where was he going? When would he be home? Would he need me to pack his lunch? What did I have scheduled?
On the weekend the conversation would last longer. Sometimes he would bring the New York Times into bed and would read me the news of the day. At times this would annoy me as I was trying to read the sections that interested me (ie: social, married, what's happening). I would eventually give up and just lean my head on his shoulder and let him educate me as to the happenings of the world.
Today I got up, retrieved the NYTimes from the driveway, tossed it into the recycling bin and cried.
I really have no interest in the "news of the day".
The youngest (16) asked if he could invite several of his camp counselor friends over for a cook-out. It was a welcome reprieve from sadness.
I cooked hamburgers and hot dogs, fresh corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes from the garden and served it all up fresh and hot for hungry teens. TBHITW would have loved it. Many hungry mouths around a big kitchen table. I'm glad Zach got to act like a 16 year old. He is much too young (and old before his time) for any of this.
I used to look forward to weekends. Now I just want them to be over.
Loneliness. The word for today.
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Like you, hubby and I have a weekend routine. Would the Saturday crosswords be fun by myself? I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteYour Zach sounds wonderful.
I don't know what to say that doesn't sound like a cliche. I have not been where you are. No one has. I think grief is a solitary journey, a lonely journey. Please keep sharing this journey with us. Just because you have to make this journey doesn't mean that you have to take it without support.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping you and yours in my prayers.
I think you gave your son a great gift by cooking that meal and letting him be a kid with his friends. Even if you weren't a Good Cook that would have been a wonderful thing! Your talent makes it even more special. All the best.
ReplyDeleteJust checking in on you to let you know how very much I care. The cook-out sounds like it was a good thing for everyone. May God bless you and your children, each day. Love and prayers, Marguerite
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine... :-(
ReplyDeletehow very sad, my dad passed on at an early age, he was a wonderful man, and he did visit only once but it was comforting, i hope tbhitw pays you a visit soon, it helps. My hearfelt thoughts go to you and your family
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry to hear of your pain. I am a relatively new follower, and I have been hopping from foot to foot, trying to express to you some form of comfort. Fact is I cannot. I will however, pop in from time to time to let you know that on the other side of the world, someone cares.x
ReplyDeleteYes please keep sharing because there you may be 1 but here you are among many who really care and want to help in any way we can.
ReplyDeleteOdie
I can only imagine this kind of lonliness. We too have our weekend routine and just thinking about him not being here brings tears to my eyes. A thousand I'm sorrys that you know such pain. Even though you feel such lonliness I hope you know that there are many that care, are praying and thinking of you and your children. XX
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Zach got to have some good times with friends.
ReplyDeleteIts hard facing the change of it all....but it will all fall into place..I will send prayers of support your way..marlene
ReplyDeleteI am glad you had a reason worth cooking for! As the days pass I know you will find it therapeutic again- TBHITW would want that. : )
ReplyDeleteMy husband gets up early on the weekends and makes me breakfast. This post really choked me up.
ReplyDeleteI would like to read about how you met; your courtship. Have you written about that?