I brought TBHITW home today. Well, I brought his ashes home today.
I am so happy to bring him home. TBHITW wanted to be cremated. He did not want to be buried. And selfishly, I wanted him to come home. To me. I can not bear the thought of him being alone somewhere. Not now. Not without me.
He is interned in a beautiful natural marble urn befitting a geologist - what else would do but a rock? It is very heavy. Just like my heart.
The kidadults went with me to the funeral home to pick up his ashes. We all cried.
The 20 year old drove while I held TBHITW in my arms with a seat belt around us both. The funeral director told us to be careful as the urn is not sealed.
It broke my heart that every time we turned a corner Jacob reached out to steady us. Like you would a child riding in the front seat of the car.
I have decided that there are no rules for widows. Or for children who mourn.
What we feel and do and say and feel is right. There is no wrong.
I wonder how many tears are enough? I marvel at the ability of my body to keep producing tears. To keep moving, walking, talking.
My girlfriend invited me for dinner tonight. Her husband is out of town. I don't like to be around husbands right now, if he was there I could not have gone. I know, that is selfish and shallow, but remember I am making my own rules.
She made Chili Relenos. I ate them because I have never made them and TBHITW never ate them. The food tasted good and because it did I cried. I should have made TBHITW Chile Relenos. Just once.
My friend drove me to the farm to pick up my CSA share. I cried because who will eat all this food? The farm was glorious. Everything is at its peak. The youngest kidadult went with us because (I think) he does not want me out of his sight right now.
Everything is sad and beautiful and awful.
I'm glad TBHITW is home.
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Oh my friend, nothing about you is selfish or shallow and you most certainly are allowed to make your own rules.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about this. I have been married less than a year and have only known my husband for just under 3.5 years, but still, the thought of parting from him under such circumstances causes me pain in my heart. I cannot imagine the amount of pain you must be feeling right and I don't think you are selfish or shallow either. Right now is just about healing and for that, there are no set rules.
ReplyDeleteNo rules. Just survival. And your kidadults.
ReplyDeleteI am crying with you. There are no rules for grief. Every body has to cope as they can. As my son's birthday approaches, I find myself thinking of him and wishing he had made better choices. He would have been 40 this month. No matter that we were estranged, there is still a void that cannot be filled.
ReplyDeleteFrom everything that you have written, it was apparent that your husband was a wonderful man. Take all the comfort your children and friends are offering. I am so sorry for your loss.
Well said-- no rules, just survival. You cope how you cope, whether it is mourning Chile relano's never made, hugging urns or avoiding others husbands. You are just needing to survive right now. Get through the darkest hours until you can see a glimmer of light.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a gifted writer. Perhaps now is the time you write and write and write just to get it out of your head for a minute and on paper. You don't need to share the writings with anyone but someday you may cherish the written memories.
I am so glad your family is knit together right now as a divine support system. Keep on going Girl, you will survive. I know it doesn't feel like it but I know you will.
Unknown Mami sent me over and I am so thankful she did. I am crying with you. Make your rules. Feel what you feel. Take all the time in the world.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Unknown Mami to say how sorry I am, that I'm thinking of you and praying for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteI too am visiting from Unknown Mami. My heart aches for you. I can't imagine the pain. My sincerest condolences.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
I'm a fellow blogger who has come to know about your great loss through our mutual blogging friend Unknown Mami. I am so sad to learn about this and I want to tell you for what it's worth that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. You both seem to have had a wonderful relationship such as is so rare nowadays and I am sure you cherish some wonderful memories. I hope that you will recover from your grief in due course and move on into your future with hope and love. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteHi, I heard of your loss from Unknown Mami. I am very sorry. I am thinking of you and your children. What you said: "I have decided that there are no rules for widows. Or for children who mourn. What we feel and do and say and feel is right. There is no wrong." let me know that you are wise and strong. {{{{hugs}}}}
ReplyDeleteOh no. Unknown Mami posted about you today and I had to come say hello, offer my sincerest condolences and cry with you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but my heart breaks for you.
Prayers for you and your children.
I'm really sorry. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteI will echo "no rules" as well girl. Just let time take care of it. So glad that TBHITW is home now and it just happens that my wife and I have the same wishes to be cremated. There is no doubt in my mind that TBHITW would agree that you should mourn his leaving but also desperately would want the joy for life to return to you. Time my friend and you will know when to take each step. Just keep opening up to us please.
ReplyDeleteOdie
Unknown Mami sent me over here. I read through a few months worth of posts on your blog. Please know I send you sincere condolences for your loss. There just is not anything can say or do to help you and I would not presume to say anything that tries.
ReplyDeleteThe last thing you are being is selfish and shallow. How you feel makes perfect sense. I am thankful your kidadults are staying close. It is good that you and them are allowing yourselves this time to grieve. Still praying. Blessings.
ReplyDelete"I'm glad TBHITW is home."
ReplyDeleteSo am I, for your sake.
Sincerest condolences from an unknown friend in Bloggerville.
Your words are poetry.
ReplyDeleteYou are right - no rules, no deadlines.
You are certainly NOT selfish or shallow and even if you were nobody would blame you for it right now. If it were me I would probably secretly hate everyone that still had husbands, how selfish and shallow is THAT?
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have your children around you. I am so glad that TBHITW is home with you.
I am so so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
-Yaya
I'm stopping over from Unknown Mami's. There really are no words at a time like this, I just wanted you to know someone is Los Angeles is sending extra love your way. xo jj
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I just said a prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteMami mentioned you and I felt I had to stop by.
ReplyDeleteThere is no right and wrong at a time like this. Your world has spun off its axis and only time and love from your friends and family will help it right itself again.
All those people that say "let me know if you need anything".....take them up on their offers. They don't know what to do or say, but they do want to be there for you. Even if it is just watering plants or sitting on the couch with you not even talking.
I am so sorry for the pain you and your kids are feeling.
Thank you for visiting and commenting on my post about rites of passage. You are going through one of the biggest right now and I am sorry to find you in this state yet hopeful for you as you reach out to others during a time of great pain.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to following your writings and thoughts and recipes.
May God be with you and your family.
Visiting via Unknown Mami....
ReplyDeleteI am a stranger. I just want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. I feel selfish even needing to say that. But, I say it because I know the value of that kind of love in life. I am so very sorry.
Best,
Tina
I read something recently where ashes can be pressed under certain temperatures and to a certain PSI and the ashes will turn into a stone that you can wear. Like a necklace or earrings or a ring. I totally wish I remembered the link where I read about it.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss.
Unknown Mami told us about you today and wanted to come over and lend you my shoulder. How incredibly sad and unfair and truly beautiful how much you love him.
ReplyDeleteKristin - The Goat
Just stopping by to wish you peace and comfort, and to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I understand the comfort of having the ashes and the clothes near you. You are right about there being no rules for widows and widowers. Just take it one day at a time. Love and hugs, Marguerite
ReplyDeleteI am glad your children are with you.I agree there are no rules..just feel what you feel..and take one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and wishes you peace and comfort!
ReplyDeleteIt is good to have him close to you. Take care dear one
Hugs
SueAnn
I must be meant to follow your blog -- I happened upon it last week and read all about TBHITW's recent death and you have my heartfelt sympathy, because I've been married a long time, and can relate to how this must feel. But then today there is a link to you from A Smitten Image, one of my favorite blogs. So, I give in -- I'm putting you on my blog roll where I can get to know you, and maybe give you a little encouragement and support during this hard time. Warm Regards, Sandra
ReplyDelete