I wonder if there will ever be a day that I wake up and don't cry.
I wonder if it will ever matter if the sun shines. Or if it rains.
I wonder if I will ever be hungry again.
I wonder if I will ever sleep through the night.
I wonder why Holly Bear keeps barking at things in the house.
I wonder why people are walking their dogs and jogging by and driving to the store? Don't they realize the world just lost a wonderful man?
I wonder if I should just tell the bank teller, or the grocery store clerk or the couple strolling by how precious and short love is.
Most of all I just wonder.
I don't have any recipes right now. I don't cook. There is food in the refrigerator and I don't know how it got there. One day I will have to unwrap all those foil wrapped packages and throw it away. Not today though.
There are flowers and plants all over the house. I watered them last night. I am going to be sad when they all die. Everything dies and I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for any of this.
I want people to tell me about him. I want to hear stories about his friendships. I want people to understand that it's okay if I sit here and cry while they tell me his story. It's just what I do right now.
My good friend in Arizona had a baby on Monday. She is beautiful. She reminds me that it is all a circle. One life exits, another enters.
Linda, I came across your blog a few weeks back through Lynn Gordon's facebook page and love checking it from time to time for great stories and recipes.
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words on the news of your husband's passing. Although I didn't know him I could tell when we worked together the love and happiness he brought you.
I am sending my prayers and love your way. My God continue to watch over you and your children and fill you with the memories of your life with him.
Prayers & Love,
Barbara Ebersole
I cannot imagine what it would be to walk in your shoes. I can imagine the grief that would seem overbearing but still I cannot imagine what it must be to walk, talk and breathe right now. Your story reminds me each day to hold my loved ones close and to take not one second of them for granted. I still pray for you and your children. XX
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine what you're going through. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteKeep talking, we are listening. People never know what to say, but sometimes you just need someone to listen to your thoughts. You are in my thoughts and prayers......
ReplyDeleteKnow that what you're going through is a process. There are seven stages of grief and you are still in the beginning stage. When we lose someone so close and so loved, it takes a very long time to get through it. I am praying, each day, for God to give you and your family the strength to get through it. Love and hugs, Marguerite
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing by opening up to us with your feelings so please continue and we will be here to listen (as it were) and respond. Time will heal the hurt but time will never erase the love you will always have for that wonderful man. That will endure.
ReplyDeleteOdie
Kathy's right, I do not know what to say, but know that we are listening. You need to keep talking. Here it doesn't matter how much or for how long you cry...
ReplyDeleteYes we are listening...He is with you but not in the physical..we all go there in time..take one day at a time..and remember how precious life is..all that can be done while you are here..your heart will heal , an even though you will be forever changed you will enjoy, cook, eat, and laugh again..I very much understand how you feel..I have had great loss in my life also..Take care and be gentle with yourself.
ReplyDeleteAren't newborns the best! Hang in there. Grab some wine and toast yourself. Like Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day."
ReplyDeleteThis is a very powerful post. You are very clear and honest and direct in your statements. It's appropriate to wonder all these things, and to not be able to promise yourself that things will get better. Perhaps only when some time has passed and you come back to read this will you know the answer. Until then, I just wish you some peace and comfort.
ReplyDeleteOh how my heart hurts for you! You're amazing for having words to write at all- that takes some strength, whether you think so or not. : ) I do think, impossible as it may seem right now, that you will laugh again someday! Hang in there! <3
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts. I will always remember how much you loved TBHITW. Those initials will always be him in my mind.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I'm heart broken for you. I can't even imagine your pain. We are definitely all here to listen, if you feel like sharing.
ReplyDeleteOMG! I have not been by in awhile and I certainly did not expect to get this news when I stopped by today. I am at a loss for words. All I know of this wonderful man is what you have shared in your posts and your love and admiration has always been palpable. I am so sorry to hear of this tremendous loss. I know I only "know" you online, but please know that my thoughts are with you and I am sending you love. I would do just about anything to be able to reach through this monitor and give you a hug right now.
ReplyDeleteUnknown Mami sent me over from her blog. I haven't visited before, but being a kindred blog spirit and having recently suffered my own loss, I extend my condolences. I am very sorry for your loss and will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThere will come a day, then it will leave for awhile. Then another day comes followed by several more, then they flee. While the void is always present, and it doesn't really get easier, it does change in a way that allows us to remember much more of the good and the trauma can be overshadowed for a bit. Once again I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI so wish I had a story for you...
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband 5 years ago next January. I was only 50 years old.
ReplyDeletePlease believe me when I say that it will get better. Yes, there will come a day when you can get through it without crying your heart out. I used to think I did not have any more tears to cry, but I did. My bereavement counsellor summed up my life perfectly at the time "It feels like one of those snow globes that we shake, all the flakes fall down all over the place, and you are scrambling to pick up the pieces, not knowing which way to turn.
It will never be the same, but the pain gets duller and you will be left with all those wonderful memories and a holding a very special place in your heart for him.
From the bottom of my heart, although I don't know you, but can feel your pain - please accept my sincerest condolences.
From one who has been through it and survived - Judy
Judy - I wanted to send you a response by email but you posted anonymously. I want to talk to you. I don't like this new club I'm in. I call it the W club. I want to know how to survive it. I want to hear your survivor tale. Email me - if you want, with your email address. I have to hear how to live through this because I don't think I can.
ReplyDeleteSorry I can never figure out how to post using a name. Dumb me.
ReplyDeleteMy e-mail is jfuro@me.com. Please contact me.
((HUGS)) When you mentioned that you want people to talk about him, to sit with you while you cry. I hear this all the time from baby lost mothers. I have a blog called For Your Tears and that is what is needed during the grieving and so many don't understand. You do need to talk, you need to cry, even laugh. Not just today or tomorrow but for a long long time. People are afraid that it might hurt you but it is exactly what you need.
ReplyDeleteWhen my FIL died (suddenly), it rocked my world. Til this day, whenever I see a man with a big potbelly, I want to run up to him and shake some sense into him and say, "Do you realize that you could die any day?!" And when life went on, it was so peculiar to me. Thankfully, there is beauty in the world to give us distractions (if temporary) from our grief.
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