Monday, October 4, 2010
A Gift for The Best Husband In The World (TBHITW)
I think that the greatest gift I can give my husband is a good life.
My good life.
He gave me the greatest gift I have ever received.
He gave me love.
I have known love. I have been loved.
To shrivel up in grief and despair would be the ultimate insult to him. True love would never do that to someone.
In the midst of my deep sadness I am trying (and sometimes succeeding) to walk among the happy ghosts of our marriage. The good times. The fun times. The lovely, sunny, snowy, rainy, messy, happy, joyous, sad, funny, crazy, out of control, in control, fast, slow times of our life together. Every now and then I find myself with a small smile on my face, even when it is behind tears. I am remembering something small. Something big. Something about us, about our life together.
What a shame and a sham and a waste if I didn't grasp and live the life I have. I didn't die. TBHITW died and "we" died. But I didn't die.
I will always carry a sadness within me. For the rest of life I will mourn my husband and the life we built and shared.
But today, I am choosing to begin to heal. To begin to step just a feather weight lighter because I have known love. Today I am beginning a very long journey in turning my sadness into another type of life. A life that has known love and is not over because of it.
I know there will still be dark days where I will struggle to find the light without him. But beginning today, I will struggle harder to find the light more often. Because I have known love. Because I have been loved. Because I am loved.
If the greatest gift of all is love, the second greatest gift of all is a life well lived. I owe TBHITW that. I owe him the honor of living my life well because he loved me. When my time comes I want people to say, "she lived life well, even when handed lemons, she made lemonade. Or cassoulet or boeuf bourguignon or etoufee".
"Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"