I thought the days of racking sobs were behind me.
For a week or so now when I cry tears would just roll down my face. The physical sobbing and shaking was gone. It was like my body just could only do so much.
Today for whatever reason (do I need a reason?) the racking, gut wrenching sobs came back. It started in the shower. In full force. And lasted for hours.
A new little treat that was added today was vomiting. For the first few days after TBHITW died every night I would wake up in the middle of the night and vomit. It was like my body was trying to purge itself of this evil poison bestowed on me.
Today it all came back. All morning long. And into the afternoon. And now, late evening, it has returned.
When does the pain stop?
I am giving this everything I have. I am trying to remember all the good and blessed and wonderful and smiling times we had.
I am. I really am.
Harder than I've ever tried anything before in my life.
But give me a clue someone. When does my stomach and head and heart stop hurting?
Can someone just tell me when the pain stops?
My sister dreamt of him again the other night. She said,
"He was sitting in the play room, playing a game on her son's playstation. She said to him, 'you're not real, you're dead' and he said, 'I'm real'. And she repeated to him, no, you're dead. To which he replied, no, I'm right here. I'm real. You can touch me if you want.' And she touched him. And he was real.