How Am I Doing?

I have a motor running inside of me 24/7.
It is a constant buzz in my chest. It never stops.
I've never had this feeling before.
I guess they call it stress.
They say that loosing your spouse is the highest stress factor someone can experience.
Who are they and how dare they say anything? What do they know?

I sit for hours on my front porch on one of the two matching rockers we have.
We were going to put the rockers on the porch of our new home.
The home that was going to look out over 12 acres of beautiful land.
That was our dream for the future.
The land is for sale.
That dream is gone. It died on August 11th.
I don't have a dream for the future now.
Dreams are for young and silly people. People who don't know that life can come crashing down in a moment.
I am not young and silly anymore.
So I sit and rock. Mornings turn into afternoons. Afternoons into night.
Sometimes in the middle of the night I wrap myself in TBHITW's warm blue robe (the one I sleep with) and sit out on the porch and rock. All alone.
During the day people walk by with babies in strollers. Husbands and wives and children and dogs.
They don't see me sitting here on one rocker, an empty rocker beside me.
Maybe I'm invisible.

I have found the perfect diet.
Fifteen pounds lost in 5 weeks.
It's that motor that never stops.
It's the buzz in my chest that won't quiet down.
It makes my hands tremble.
My hands never trembled before.

I read TBHITW's autopsy report.
It was obscene and disgusting and I don't think anyone should ever read an autopsy report of someone they love. Ever.
I cried for my beautiful husband's body and the indignity of it all.
I cried for me.
I cried for us.

I shouldn't be driving a car.
Everything startles me.
And mostly I'm scared - all the time.
Of everything.

I had TBHITW's cell phone service cut off. Now I don't even have his voice.
And I'm afraid I'll forget what he sounds like.
But I have to be practical, right?
Dead people don't need cell phones.

I sleep (when I sleep) on his side of the bed. On his pillows. I guess they are my pillows now.

I am going to cook tomorrow night. Maybe I'll eat too.
Maybe not.
Maybe I'll just cook.
Apples.
Apples are coming into season.
Fall was his favorite season, and winter.
We always went apple picking. And I'd make pie.
And applesauce.
And apple crisp.
And spiced apples.
And we would buy cider donuts and drink apple cider before going home with our bushel of freshly picked apples.
Last year we went apple picking late in the season. There weren't that many apples left on the trees. But we picked enough.
We always had enough.
I think maybe the colors of fall will be hard to look at this year. Too vibrant. Too real.

That's how I am doing...

Grand Littles and Pork Tenderloin and Applesauce

I've been absent for a few days.

I was on a mission.

My mission was to care for my two grand littles for two whole days while their mommy and daddy went to work.

Now I know from experience that a 3 year old and a 2 year old can be exhausting. But hard? Please, I am a woman of experience. I am a woman of years. I am a woman of reason. And I have managed to raise a few littles of my own while keeping plastic bags off heads and running with scissors to a minimum. As far as I know all of my littles have reached kidadulthood with fingers, toes and limbs intact.

Here are my two little darlings on our first morning together. They are having a lovely breakfast of orange juice, dippy eggs and sausages that I prepared for them. It is 6:00 am.

Is God even awake at 6:00 am? Never mind, the littles were hungry and I was up to the task of feeding them.

Later that day the little angels demonstrated their superior art skills for me.

Oh what a wonderful day. We went to the park, visited my parents and had a picnic lunch. A refreshing three hour nap later and we all began preparing dinner for mommy and daddy.

I ended the evening by meeting up with old friends for a cocktail. By the time I arrived back at the littles' house, everyone was tucked in bed and sound asleep.

Until 2:00 am. And 3:00 am. And 5:00 am.

And of course everyone was up by 6:00 am.

Apparently the peaceful ease of my first day "on the job" was a tactic littles use to lull their prey into a false sense of superiority.

The second day:

6:00 am - everyone is awake and in the kitchen.

6:30 am - Mommy and Daddy leave for work.

6:35 am - Little #1 informs me she must go potty.

6:40 am - Little #1 tells me she needs privacy in the bathroom and asks that little #2 be removed.

Little #2 does not want to leave the potty room. Little #1 screeches at a never before heard by human ears decibel rating that SHE NEEDS PRIVACY.

I turn my back for one minute and little#2 begins to cry. She is clutching her arm in pain. This is the conversation that ensues:

Me: Little #1 - did you hit your sister?

Little #1 - no, I bit her

Little #2 - wailing at top of HER lungs

Me: (picking up #2, and carrying out of bathroom) Don't you dare bite your sister!

As I stepped over the threshold of the bathroom I heard the most sickening sound of all. The door slammed and a soft click of the door lock followed. Little #1 had shut the door and locked us out.

Me: #1, you unlock this door this instant.

Silence

Me: #1, can you hear me?

Silence

Me: #1, this is Nani - you come out right now.

Silence

Me: #1, do you want me to call your daddy and have him come home?

Silence

By now I am frantically trying to remember if my daughter-in-law has any chemicals or toxins stored under the bathroom sink that #1 may have gotten in to. I am also looking for something, anything, to stick in the little hole in the doorknob to somehow unlock the door.

Me: #1, can you hear me? Little #2 has stopped crying and is watching me with amusement. It is apparent she has witnessed this little scene before.

7:00 am: #1 has been locked up for 20 minutes. Okay, no time to panic. I am an adult. I am experienced. I am Super Nani... THINK! I cannot call my son and DIL in a panic... can I call the fire department in a panic? Will the FD keep it confidential - I mean do my son and DIL have to know about this little incident?

I decide to try a little psychology (pun intended)

Me: #2, let's go play. Just leave #1 by herself, you and Nani will have so much fun. (said while pretending to walk away from bathroom door)

Silence.

I force myself to wait for a full 3 minutes all the while with my ear pressed to the door.

Me: #1 I've had enough. If you don't come out right now Nani will not take you to your dance lesson.

I hear a a very slight rustling, a turn of a lock and the door swings open.

Little#1: Okay, I'm ready.

Little#2: Hi #1 (giggling)

OMG.

The rest of day went fine but I will never underestimate the power of a little again. At 6:30 pm I head out the door for the long, peaceful drive home.

I slept like a log (not a little) last night.

And seriously, I can't wait until I can do it all over again!

A Cook's Notes: I'm still putting my house back together from the hardwood floor installation and the stair man is coming today to refinish the staircase. Tonight's dinner is a repeat of a previous post: Pork Tenderloin and Homemade Applesauce. Bon Appetite!

Out of my Funk and into My Kitchen - Applesauce with Pork Tenderloin

It's funny how something out of the blue can inspire you. 

I was in a funk all day because of the ceaseless rain. I tried reading, couldn't get into it. 

Read the news. same old same old.

Started doing some research or a dream vacation The Best Husband In The World and I are just beginning to dream about. In September, 2010 (economy and life please cooperate!) we are thinking, dreaming, hoping of going to Italy. 

First Rome for a few days of pure food and tourism. Then on to Naples and the Almafi coast to (wait for it) COOKING SCHOOL!! Anyway... more on that later... 

That is not what inspired me out of my funk (okay, it did a little)... but my real inspiration was a comment by Lover of Life over at Life in the Second Half. Actually, it was an after thought "By The Way" comment by LOL... some advice from her daughter over at http://jenacide.blogspot.com/ regarding the health benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar and...

Holy Seven Degrees of Separation!! Dinner is practically served. 

Home Made Applesauce with Apple Cider Vinegar brined Pork Roast

Four Apples (washed, cored and quartered, NOT PEELED)

1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

water

1 Tablespoon honey

Squeeze of lemon juice

1 Tablespoon horseradish (optional - if serving with pork)

Pinch of salt 

Place apples in medium saucepan and add to water to cover half way. Add 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon. Bring water to boil, reduce heat and simmer until apples are tender. 

Transfer apples withe a slotted spoon to a blender. Blend until desired consistency (I like mine a little chunky)

Transfer processed apples back to saucepan. Add honey, lemon juice and horseradish (if desired) cook gently over low heat to meld the flavors (about 3 minutes). 

Taste. Add a pinch of salt if too bland or apple flavor doesn't pop! 

Serve warm or cooled to room temperature. 

Delicious with a little "bite" if served with the following pork (a great flavor combo of sweet and savory with a little kick from the horseradish)

Pork Tenderloin: (serves 4-5)

One 2 lb. (or less) pork tenderloin

1 Tablespoon kosher salt

1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar

2 Tablespoons brown sugar, divided

1/4 cup water

salt and pepper

Combine salt, vinegar, 1 tablespoon brown sugar and water in saucepan. Heat and cook until sugar and salt dissolve. cool.

When cool, pour over pork tenderloin in plastic bag. Let brine for 1 to 4 hours. When done brining, take out, rinse and pat dry. Discard brine.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

Salt and pepper pork. Pat remaining 1 tablespoon brown sugar on top of tenderloin. Place on rimmed cookie sheet and quick roast for 20 minutes per pound or until meat thermometer registers 150. Take out and tent and rest for 10 minutes. Residual cooking will bring the temp up to 160. Perfect. 

Slice and serve with applesauce on side. 

A great accompaniment is little potato pancakes with greek yogurt - but that's another blog! 

Gotta go. Gotta cook. Thanks Lover of Life and Jen - you both inspired me today!