Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Letting Go.

I have spent the last two years of my life letting go.

I let go of my old life.
I let go of many possessions as I downsized into a smaller version of what was.
I let my son graduate from high school and leave for the Marine Corps.
I let go of all of TBHITW's clothes, tools, and "things".
I let go of the business that he worked so hard to build.

I let go of all these things with my palms facing upward. My hands steadily releasing all that was.

Some days I let go in a great torrent of things. I let go in a big flow, like a river, hopes and dreams and imagined futures. I let go of secret smiles, of shared moments, of stolen glances that wives and husbands have shared for eternity. I let the Friday night ritual of date night go. I let shared laughter and the things only couples share go. Other days I let go in small agonizing droplets.
Things leaked out in tiny, painful baby steps. But still, I let go.

The only thing I haven't let go of is Grief. Grief is such a strange creature. As much as the heart and mind and soul want it to end Grief has a way of comforting you. You can wrap Grief around you like a security blanket or a shroud. You can hide behind its monstrous face. You can wallow in it and accept it and make up all kinds of excuses for it. You can act any way you want because you are grieving.

You can cry in public and stay in bed all day if that's what you feel like. Grief can become a friend. Not a good friend, but a friend all the same. At least you recognize its face like an old friend.

I am approaching the two year mark of carrying around this Grief and I think it is time to let it go. It is the last thing I carry from my old life and it is becoming heavy. Very heavy.

Letting go of Grief is not forgetting the reason for its existence. No, I will never forget the love and joy that existed before Grief came into my home and became my companion. I am simply saying that you (Grief) have to go now. I have to find and embrace the new joys of a new life.

Yes Grief, you have to go now. I know you will visit me periodically for the rest of my life and that's fine. But you are not allowed to live with me anymore; you are not allowed to be my constant companion.  I know that a new version of Grief will come and stay for awhile in the future. My parents are aging and in time I know Grief will once again visit. But for now, Grief has to go.

I am letting go. It's time to turn my palms downward, into the grasping position. I need to grasp the new. I need to grasp the possibilities of new found wonders, a new life, a fresh beginning.

So I am choosing to let go.

Grief and life are much like crossing monkey bars. To get to the other side at some point you just have to let go.

On, On.


  1. What an eloquent post. I am cheering for you and sending my virtual support!

  2. What a wonderful post Linda and it surely seems like time to finally let go and "on on" for you. Thanks for stopping by to stay in touch, it means a lot to me.

  3. Beautifully written. I'm proud of you for being ready to let go.

  4. Beautiful post. I hope that grief goes peacefully and does not return any time soon. xoxo

  5. So hard and yet you are in the midst of doing it - the letting go process.
    It was 2 years for me in July and I haven't let go as completely as you have. I still have Hubby's clothes and some things, but it will happen gradually.
    Each journey is unique.

    I am inspired by your courage to forge ahead and send you love and light. You still have parents and that's wonderful. I hope you have many, many happy and treasured moments with your Mom and Dad.

    Grief still washes over me from time to time, but I am learning to look for the joys in life. I am blessed with grands, so they fill my time and make my heart burst with joy.

    God bless, Linda. It's a difficult journy and you've done well. TBHITW would be very proud of you.

  6. This is beautiful. I missed it last week, but when your latest post came, I went back to see when you'd posted last. I was thinking of you only this morning, hoping you would be back. As I've said before, I have learned a great deal about grief and survival from you...and about cooking, too. I wish you all the best in your new phase of life. --Nancy, aka BLissed-Out Grandma

  7. You have come so far. Has it really been two years? Wow. I know that you will go forward and find new experiences to augment the ones that have past. I look forward to hearing about the journey.

    Thanks for the smores recipe - just in time for a visit from my grandson on Thursday.

  8. This is a great decision, a wonderful step forward. I'm proud of you, and I await with great anticipation some tales of the new and exciting things you find on your journey!!!


Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love feedback... what with being a cook and all. I will respond to your comments via email (if you do not have a "noreply" address or here, below your comment) As always, Bon Appetite!

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