One More Step

Today I did what I could not do for the past year. 

I cleaned out my husband's dressers and closets. 

I saved a few things that will always remind me of him and who he was. The rest is nestled into 5 large contractor bags and is being donated to a homeless mission that my sister-in-law is a director of.

I saved all of my husband's running shirts and will make quilts out of them for all the kids. Lots of cutting, sewing, piecing, tears and memories but I think they will love it. 

I don't know how I feel right now. Not happy, not altogether sad. Maybe a bit numb.

How is it possible to reduce someone's life to a few packages? 

Suits, ties, and dress shirts remind of the wonderful formal times we shared. Weddings, dinners, the cruise we took and sat at the Captain's table... 

Work clothes remind me of his love for his career. He really felt he made a difference in this world, and he DID! Jim left this earth a better, cleaner place for generations to come. 

Casual clothes remind of his laid back manner, fun filled days and nights just "being us". 

All his winter wear find me picturing him flying down the snowy slopes of some mountain. Poetry in motion on skis. Family vacations, cold hands and warm mugs of coffee laced with a bit of Bailey's Irish Cream for us, hot chocolate for the kids.

Sweatshirts from college; torn, tattered but still he wore them in the fall to rake leaves. I can still see him, baseball hat on his thick head of black hair, and 30 year old sweatshirt (it's an oldie but goodie just like me he would tell me). 

So many people wrapped into one. Husband, father, son, brother, boss, so  many hats to wear and he wore them all so well with a humble humor and zest for everything in life. 

I will smile this winter when the cold winds blow knowing that someone, somewhere, will be warm in a coat, a scarf, gloves, perhaps a pair of his fine wool boot socks.

Perhaps someone will wear one of his suits to a much needed job interview. 

Maybe one of his caps will shield someone's head from the hot sun. 

I wish it wasn't so, but it was time and the clothes never really made the man. He was all he ever needed to be all by himself without any dressing up.

A Prayer

Dear God,

Help me get through today with Grace and Gratitude.

me

The Geologist and the Giant Potholes. A happy man.

36 Hours

In 36 hours (one year ago) my husband died.

This morning (one year ago) I kissed my living, breathing husband goodbye for the last time. 

He was to return to our beach house in 36 hours to continue our family vacation. He had a doctor appointment on Monday, August 9th. and a big drilling job to complete on Tuesday, the 10th. He was going to rejoin us Wednesday morning, August 11th.

We walked the dog on the beach Monday morning, as was our ritual, then had coffee and breakfast before he headed out for the one hour trip back home and work. I remember standing in the driveway of the beach house and he kissed me goodbye. I remember saying to him that "that was no goodbye kiss and did he want to go back in the house" LOL.... 

I know, I know, too much information - but we were in love.

I wonder if somehow he knew. Somehow, on a cellular level, did he sense that we would never see each other alive again?

It took this picture of him that morning of our walk on the beach. You may remember. 

No footprints in the sand. 

 In 36 hours (one year ago) I would fall to my knees and scream out his name. Over and over again. 

I would go numb with disbelief and despair and I would begin a journey that no one (if you have not lost) could imagine.

In 36 hours I will mark the one year passing of the love of my life; the father of my children, my best friend, the man who adored me and I him (beyond reason).

In 36 hours I will honor his memory and remember our life together. I will marvel that I have survived. I will wonder what comes next. 

In 36 hours I will begin another chapter. The end of the "firsts" and the beginning of a year of unknown territory.

In 36 hours I will once again thank God that I have had the support of family and friends who have set their own lives aside to sit with me, to hold me, to insist I come with them on some journey or adventure or family BBQ or get together. To hold me in my grief, to cry with me. To understand. To help me to breathe. To mention his name when no one else wants to. I once again thank my friends and family who understand my need to talk about TBHITW - to remember, to laugh, to cry and then to laugh again. To embrace his life and sit through my endless recounting of it. Thank You. I love you. I could not have survived without you.

In 36 hours I will crumble into myself for a bit, then rise again and thank the god's (or GOD as you know Him) that He gave me this amazing man - for a least a brief moment in time. A man who loved and honored me and his children and his family above all earthly things. A man beyond imagination. A man (and a human being) who was taken too soon, but from whom we could all learn a lesson in loving from. 

Recipes Soon. I promise. 

Linda AKA TGC

Happy Birthday

July 7th. 1958
August 11, 2010

Happy Birthday TBHITW. Our first without each other.

I remember:

When we were dating we spent your birthday with an incredible dinner out in "the city" (that's NY for anyone who lives outside of the NE) and then running in the "Firecracker Four Miler" the next day.

I remember instituting "Birthday Week" once we were married. Birthday week meant every day for a week a special something every day. Perhaps it was a croissant for breakfast, or a card secretly tucked into a briefcase or a favorite meal - maybe even just a cookie - just for you, but a special small remembrance of a life that everyone wanted to celebrate. Especially me. Because I loved you. Because I wanted to celebrate the you that made you you.

Tonight I will pour two glasses of wine. One for you and one for me. Sleep well love and Happy Birthday.

Last year on his birthday.

The Journey

I spent a few days at the ocean this week.

What is it about the soothing ebb and flow of the waves? What is it about standing where the sky meets the sea and sand that calms the heart and opens the mind?

Whatever it is I am grateful for it.

I am seeking peace and grace in my life. I have stopped asking why. I am coming to the end of one journey and tentatively beginning another. Where the journey leads is not the point. Where the journey ends is not the destination. The journey itself is the road to finding myself.

One evening I walked for a very long time on the beach. I let the surf crash over my feet. I watched young lovers walk hand in hand secure in their right to a loving future.

I drew in the sand.

And I watched as the never ending waves washed away my words.
And I cried.
And when I was done crying I brushed the sand off myself and walked on. A new journey with no destination in mind other than grace and peace.

Dear God And An In Season Strawberry Dessert

Dear TBHITW (Jim),

If I could sit across the porch from God, I'd thank Him for lending me you.

Love, me.

Strawberries are in season right now here in the Northeast. What could be more wonderful? I spent today, a glorious day filled with light and azure skies, picking strawberries with my grand littles.

I give you a  refreshing, light, and oh so good dessert; perfect for entertaining or transporting to a neighborhood BBQ.

Strawberries with sweetened cream: serves a crowd

24 fresh strawberries
One eight ounce package of lite cream cheese, room temperature
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 cup walnuts or pecans, finely chopped (optional)

Wash and dry the berries. Slice the stem end off the strawberries so that they can sit upright. Then, make an X in the pointed end of each berry. Set aside.

Using a hand mixer, mix the cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla until combined.

Scoop the cheese mixture into a piping bag. Pipe the cheese into the center of each cross cut strawberry; filling all the way to the top. Finish with a flourish. Sprinkle the tops with a bit of finely chopped nuts. Serve Chilled.

As always, Bon Appetite.

I'm Going To Be Okay Because and Pappardelle's Pasta

It has been 10 months since TBHITW (The Best Husband In The World) passed from this life into another.

Ten months of the most intense feelings I believe any human being can experience. Loss, loneliness, quite introspection, rivers of tears and oceans of fears.

As I reflect back on the last ten months I realize that I have learned more about myself in this time than I have in my entire life.

I have learned that everyone has their own journey.
I have learned that everyone carries with them their own sadness. And sometimes regret. (I have a few, but then again too few to mention) Someone should put that line to music.. (wait a minute... sorry, I was just channeling TBHITW's humor)
I have learned to speak more softly. And with more kindness.
I have learned to listen more closely.
I have learned that I am stronger than I thought.
I have learned that love never dies.
I have learned that I am going to be okay. I am going to live.

I am going to be okay because today:
I laughed. At myself.
I smiled.
I did not get impatient in the grocery store line.
I talked with a good friend about very real stuff.
I forgave a good friend about really big stuff.
I began planning a party and was (and am) excited about it.
I looked at pictures of TBHITW and did not cry - I smiled at the memory and gave thanks for them.
I worked in the garden and was happy.
I looked up at the sky and gave thanks for the sun, the clouds and then the gentle rain.
I began making plans for MY future.
I am cooking again and planting again and eating again.

Recently I ate some of the best pasta I have ever eaten in my life and for the first time in a long time I ate  with gusto. I then promptly went online and ordered more.

Pappardelle's Pasta. OMG.

I discovered Pappardelle's Pasta by accident. A few weeks ago (or a few days.. time seems to blend) I attended the NJ Food and Wine Festival with my good friend Judi. It was a beautiful day, perfect for tasting local wines and food. Pappardelle's had a booth set up with their pasta wares and on a whim I bought a pound of their Lemon Chive Angel Hair Pasta.

A few days later I found myself rummaging about in my pantry trying to decide what to make for my dinner. A boiling, salted pot of water later, a few drizzles of olive oil and some shavings of fresh parmesan and I was in heaven.

If you are a pasta lover, want to become a pasta lover, think pasta is over rated or are bored with your grocery store's offerings, run, walk, google, click, do whatever you have to do to experience this eating nirvana. Pappardelle's offers a wide assortment of flavored orzo, dried pasta, fresh pasta and sauces in addition to a gluten free line. I promise on my name "The Good Cook" you will not be disappointed. Like I said (with my mouth full) OMG.

And this is how I know I will be okay. Not only will I be okay, I will survive. I have friends, I have family, I have a love in my heart that death cannot steal. And I have my passion for truly exceptional food back.

Bon Appetite.

A Cook's Notes: Pappardelle's did not pay me or offer me any compensation for writing this post. IN FACT - they don't even know I wrote it. Their pasta is just that good.  Look for more recipes in the future as I develop, taste and whisper thank you to the pasta gods more recipes featuring Pappardelle's Pastas.