Homecoming

I brought TBHITW home today. Well, I brought his ashes home today.

I am so happy to bring him home.  TBHITW wanted to be cremated. He did not want to be buried. And selfishly, I wanted him to come home. To me. I can not bear the thought of him being alone somewhere. Not now. Not without me.

He is interned in a beautiful natural marble urn befitting a geologist - what else would do but a rock? It is very heavy. Just like my heart.

The kidadults went with me to the funeral home to pick up his ashes. We all cried.

The 20 year old drove while I held TBHITW in my arms with a seat belt around us both. The funeral director told us to be careful as the urn is not sealed.

It broke my heart that every time we turned a corner Jacob reached out to steady us. Like you would a child riding in the front seat of the car.

I have decided that there are no rules for widows. Or for children who mourn.

What we feel and do and say and feel is right. There is no wrong.

I wonder how many tears are enough? I marvel at the ability of my body to keep producing tears. To keep moving, walking, talking.

My girlfriend invited me for dinner tonight. Her husband is out of town. I don't like to be around husbands right now, if he was there I could not have gone. I know, that is selfish and shallow, but remember I am making my own rules.

She made Chili Relenos. I ate them because I have never made them and TBHITW never ate them. The food tasted good and because it did I cried. I should have made TBHITW Chile Relenos. Just once.

My friend drove me to the farm to pick up my CSA share. I cried because who will eat all this food? The farm was glorious. Everything is at its peak. The youngest kidadult went with us because (I think) he does not want me out of his sight right now.

Everything is sad and beautiful and awful.

I'm glad TBHITW is home.