Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Nine Months and No Recipe



To TBHITW:

So. 
If I was having a baby the nine month mark would be the grand finale. Instead, it is a tick on the calendar. No new life. Nothing to celebrate. 
In two hours, nine months ago, you died. Nine months ago I heard your sweet voice for the last time; as usual I said I love you, and you said I love you back. And then there was sleep. The official date of your death is August 11th. but we know you died about 9:30 on the 10th; but you were officially pronounced dead in the AM hours of the 11th. 
How am I doing since you left? Well, spring finds me overwhelmed. The yard, the gardens, the cleanup after a long, hard winter has me working and working and working. I miss your presence with me in the gardens, in the yard. I'm doing the best I can. 
I had the pond opened. All the koi and goldfish survived the cold winter but no baby fishes this year. Perhaps it was just too cold. The pond looks beautiful. I set the two chairs out near the pond's edge but it hurts too much to look at them, let alone sit there. I remember the warm nights we would carry a cocktail out and sit in the midst of the soothing sound of water, the soft glow of the lights under the ripples of the waterfall and enjoy each other. 
I planted tomatoes and basil and eggplants and green beans. Not as many plants as before, it's only me now. The asparagus survived the winter and I will soon be cutting fresh green stalks. 
I've been working on the flower gardens, cleaning up, pulling weeds, raking out the last vestiges of leaves. We will have sunflowers and daisies and cosmos and gladiolas and dahlias and butterfly flowers and zinnias and bachelor buttons and petunias and geraniums; just like always. But it won't be just like always will it? 
I miss you. I struggle everyday, in every way, to move forward. I am grieving as fast as I can but I wonder where I am going. Where does it all lead? Does it lead to you? 
I miss you. I miss your gentle humor, your great puns, your helping hands. I miss your smile, your strong arms when I needed a hug, a hole dug, a weed pulled. What part of me were you not a part of? None. You, my love, you were my everything. 
I miss you Jim. I miss you with every bone in my body. You've been gone from me for 9 months now, how is that possible? How is that sane? How could the universe not know that this would be impossible? 
I love you sweetheart. I think of you everyday. EVERYDAY. I am trying, really trying to make a life without you, but truth be told it's not much of a life. Breath in, breath out. Wake up. Go to sleep. Not much to write home about. I hope where ever you are it is a happy place. Better than here. 
I miss you. What else is there to say?
Love,
me.

29 comments:

  1. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your children are amazing and you cook wonderful meals. I bet he is smiling down on you for your warm words you just wrote. **hugs**.

    Have you ever read "What Dreams May Come". There is a movie that is good, but the book is great.

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  2. I have been here for a long time.. but had to write and say this letter touched my soul. He will always be part of you. Marlene

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  3. oh that is a sad post, you know you need to link up with other people, do you like to sew or quilt? Its a great way to meet other women and keep hands busy. I hope you can find something you love to do with others, it will help to talk and laugh again. Hugs xxx

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  4. I miss you, my friend. Your birthday came and went as well, with no note from me. And I apologize. I am just now surfacing from my own pain and I forget that when I go to that dark place, I am not there for those who need me. Nine months. And you are still living. That tells me you will keep doing so the best you can.

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  5. You have been touching my soul for longer that 9 months Linda and know you have a lot of friend wishing they could give you a hug about right now.

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  6. Think of you often. I don't know what else to say. I'm here.

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  7. This made me cry. Grief is such an awful thing and you feel like you are walking through treacle. (((hugs))) to you, hang in there.

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  8. ((((((hugs)))))) Prayers coming from MN lifting you up.

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  9. Your love (and grief) is palpable, my friend. I am thinking of you. I admire your strength more than I can say.

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  10. Linda, I came over from Odie at the Simple Life and this post touched my heart in ways nothing has in a long time. I am so very sorry for your loss. Grieving takes as long as it takes and we can only hope that one day, some day, your heart won't hurt quite so much. Sending you loving thoughts...
    Karen

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  11. I know it's been said before, but grief has its own timeline. You're still here, just take the time you need.

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  12. Loved the photo of Jim, your handsome man. I have just popped over from Odie at The Simple Life, to offer my deep sympathy to you at your sad loss. Small baby steps, that's all you can do really. One day at a time. I pray that you will one day be able to smile and laugh again.

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  13. What a legacy for your children ....... true love does exist! I think of you often and hope that you are making your way through each day.

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  14. I know this pain you are feeling, and all I can say is, it truly will get better. Before you know it, you'll say "Wow, I got through this entire day without hurting for him." He left a powerful impression on your life...as you did him. You were blessed. Many never get to have what you two had.

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  15. ((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  16. I am here through Odie and just wanted to say hello. I lost my husband almost 6 years ago to a long illness so we were fortunate enough to have time to prepare together. It's never easy but if it's any consolation it does get better with time. I still talk about my hubby to my new partner who I live with. His memory is kept alive because I don't let him disappear. Keep doing what you're doing and eventually you will start living life for yourself. The way he would want it. Hugs. Don't hesitate to contact me if you would like to chat.

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  17. Once again I wish I had some magic words to write. I know it is not the life you thought it would be and hoped for but you are not alone. There are many many people who are so glad that you are in their lives (me included). Sending you hugs and peace. Take care - Lanie

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  18. Tears streamed down my face as I read your post. I wish so much that noone had to suffer the pain of such a heartbreaking loss. It's really hard to make sense of. I'm so sorry. I hope you can eventually find peace and happiness again.

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  19. My hand in yours, I send prayers your way. Hugs

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  20. I came over from Odie's blog too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  21. I love you. I know I don't actually "know" you, but I know your heart and I love you. I cry with you and I am so proud of you. I have not been very good about commenting lately because my hands always seem to be full, but please know that I have not abandoned you and that I send you positive thoughts all the time.

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  22. I feel the pain of your loss in these words. But I also feel the deepness and beauty of the love you have for your husband. Sometimes life is just plain hard. Just know God loves you and is beside us in everything.
    Prayers and hugs

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  23. Feels kind of weird to comment on such an intimate letter to your sweet Jim, but I want you to know that it touched me deeply. Hugs to you...

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  24. Looking for your phone number now...

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  25. I don't have any magic words. I wish that I did. But, this Jim will tell you that your Jim would rather you be happy than sad. I'm sure of that. And I think (and I hope you can hang onto this, too) that those who pass on while we are in love with them will be those we are reunited with by and by.

    In any case, I am saying a prayer for you. I wish it could be more.

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  26. This is such a beautiful post I came back to read it again and realized that somehow my comment did not show up (I am sure it was user error on my part).

    I do believe that your journey leads you to Jim and that he is always with you. I so wish that I had magic words to write to ease your grief. Sending you hugs. Take care.

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  27. This is a beautiful letter, and it makes very clear how painful is your journey, and how bravely and resolutely you are moving forward. I had to smile at "grieving as fast as I can." I remember feeling that way after my mother died, and it's a serious statement but there is a little irony in it, too. Your openness and grace has made it easy for a lot of people who haven't met you to really care about you. Count me as one of them.

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  28. Came by way of Saturday Sampler, so glad I did and got to read a beautiful post about a man who lives on through you.

    I have never lost a spouse so I wont say I get it.

    I hope that as time goes on the pain lessens and your beautiful memories of your husband far outweigh your pain.

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Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love feedback... what with being a cook and all. I will respond to your comments via email (if you do not have a "noreply" address or here, below your comment) As always, Bon Appetite!

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