Missing The Laughter and Pineapple Salmon

I realized today that the one thing I miss the most is the everyday laughter that the TBHITW and I shared.

Everyday we laughed.

From the heart, and the gut.

Just good old fashioned laughter. It wasn't attached to anything specific. It just was.

We were happy.

We laughed.

We joked.

We made each other double over. And told each other to STOP.

To an innocent bystander our laughter was probably lame. Maybe even a bit inappropriate. Perhaps even on the politically incorrect side.. most certainly, absolutely stupid to most. But to us, our repartee was funny; hysterical even.

I miss that. Laughter. Just because we were we.

I love salmon. It is versatile, healthy and easy to make. Salmon lends itself to so many versatile flavor profiles. This evening I added a bit of terriyaki and fresh pineapple and had a refreshing, light, yet satisfying meal. It didn't make me laugh, but it did make me smile and that's a start... right?

Salmon with Pineapple and Terriyaki: serves 2

Two boneless Salmon portions
Four fresh (or canned in pineapple juice) pineapple rings, reserve two rings for salad
Three tablespoons pineapple juice
Three tablespoons terriyaki sauce
One tablespoon brown sugar
One tablespoon butter
One tablespoon cooking oil

A half hour before cooking the salmon take the portions out of the refrigerator. In a shallow bowl combine terriyaki, pineapple juice and brown sugar. Stir to dissolve sugar. Add the salmon portions and two pineapple rings, turning to coat both sides and let marinate for 20 minutes.

Melt butter and oil in a saute pan large enough to hold the salmon and pineapple rings. Add salmon and pineapple to the pan and saute over medium heat (about 3 - 4 minutes per side).

Plate each salmon portion with a pineapple ring on top.

I served this with a spinach side salad that complimented the flavors of the fish.

Fresh spinach leaves, washed, rinsed and torn into bite size pieces
Two pineapple rings, cut into eights.
Half a red pepper cut into bite size pieces
A handful of matchstick carrots
Toss with a simple vinaigrette.

Walking Through Jello

This Grief thing is hard.

It is work.

It is like walking through Jello.

Or thigh high mud.

It is arduous.

It is exhausting and confusing and stupid and shameful and full of guilt and anger and sadness and aloneness.

I started reading Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book, Grief and Grieving, The Five Stages of Grief.

She died before she saw her last book in print.

She is amazing.

She knows me. She has seen my pain and is explaining it to me, step by agonizing step.

It helps to know I am normal.

It helps to know that others have (and every minute, join me) gone before me in this journey.

I hope TBHITW meets her on the other side.

As I talk with my family and friends I have found out that TBHITW has been busy. He has been visiting people. Even some of you. I take these accounts into my heart and it makes me smile.

He lives.

As I told the 20 year old tonight, away at college, over the phone, he lives in us. The 20 year old dreams of him. It is comforting. I assured him that is his dad. Visiting him, caring for him.

TBHITW's brother called me today to tell me of his dream. TBHITW was on a houseboat. His brother asked him what he was doing on a houseboat, he reminded him that he was dead. TBHITW replied, "this is the waiting place". "What are you waiting for?" TBHITW replied, "heaven". On a houseboat? And TBHITW replied, "We get to choose our waiting place, I chose, this. Beautiful, right?"

Yes. A houseboat would be beautiful.

I made salmon yesterday. TBHITW did not like salmon so I never made it for him. But the 16 year old and I love salmon.

I found cedar papers that I had bought a while back. I marinated the salmon in brown sugar and ponsu sauce, wrapped it in the cedar papers and grilled it. I made tri-colored couscous and fresh steamed green beans. It was sweet and smoky and sad and happy and everything that life is. You get to unwrap it when you are ready. Just like a present.