I think that the greatest gift I can give my husband is a good life.
My good life.
He gave me the greatest gift I have ever received.
He gave me love.
I have known love. I have been loved.
To shrivel up in grief and despair would be the ultimate insult to him. True love would never do that to someone.
In the midst of my deep sadness I am trying (and sometimes succeeding) to walk among the happy ghosts of our marriage. The good times. The fun times. The lovely, sunny, snowy, rainy, messy, happy, joyous, sad, funny, crazy, out of control, in control, fast, slow times of our life together. Every now and then I find myself with a small smile on my face, even when it is behind tears. I am remembering something small. Something big. Something about us, about our life together.
What a shame and a sham and a waste if I didn't grasp and live the life I have. I didn't die. TBHITW died and "we" died. But I didn't die.
I will always carry a sadness within me. For the rest of life I will mourn my husband and the life we built and shared.
But today, I am choosing to begin to heal. To begin to step just a feather weight lighter because I have known love. Today I am beginning a very long journey in turning my sadness into another type of life. A life that has known love and is not over because of it.
I know there will still be dark days where I will struggle to find the light without him. But beginning today, I will struggle harder to find the light more often. Because I have known love. Because I have been loved. Because I am loved.
If the greatest gift of all is love, the second greatest gift of all is a life well lived. I owe TBHITW that. I owe him the honor of living my life well because he loved me. When my time comes I want people to say, "she lived life well, even when handed lemons, she made lemonade. Or cassoulet or boeuf bourguignon or etoufee".
"Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"
He is beaming down at you right now. What greater gift to yourself than this realization? You are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI knew I would see this post up here someday! Carpe Diem! <3
ReplyDeleteYES!
ReplyDeleteHubby would want you to move on. Do so, in his memory.
Beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteI bet that he is smiling right now seeing these words. I am sure that he wants you to be happy.
ReplyDeleteTalk about happy readers, we are filled with joy for our friend. We all know there will be low times but to know that you are moving ahead with a positive attitude is wonderful news. Thank you for allowing us to accompany you on this journey.
ReplyDeleteOdie
You are working through the worst part.
ReplyDeleteYou are the strongest person I know. I am so very proud of you and you teach me every day what it means to love and live.
ReplyDeleteI love you!
M
All,
ReplyDeleteI will not lie to any of you. Today was one of the hardest days in my journey. A day filled with tears. Unbidden, they came, all day long. But in the midst of my tears and sorrow, I found a hidden peace, albeit a small peace. I feel his love. I feel his presence. He is on a journey that has taken him to places he never dreamed. I am on a journey as well that is taking me to places I never dreamed. But life is life. I always knew life is unfair. It is flecked with many things, one of which can be sorrow. Who am I to think that I would escape sorrow? If joy was mine than sorrow must be mine too. But that isn't the end of it is it? We have all experienced great joys and great sorrows and we have forged ahead. I am no greater nor lesser than any of you. Thank you for sharing your intimate joys and sorrows with me. It has helped me. You have all shown me the way. On On. The best that any of us can do is say, On On and mean it.
I agree with Nancy, you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteIlove this picture..He shines .As I read what you were saying..I could feel him smileing down at you, and the wonderful gift you gave him..I am so happy you have gotten to where you are now
ReplyDeleteI send love your way....
Marlene
I hope he is up in heaven with a huge smile on his face after this post. Good for you!!
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteGood for you. You are doing what is right, and that which honors your dear husband's memory. Rest assured that he is happy with this decision to enjoy yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you have a belief that sustains you, allowing you to understand that this is a temporary absence of you from his side. I would never use your grief for proselytizing concerning my religion, but I hope you already have that belief.
Might I recommend that you print this post and put it somewhere, when on a particularly bad day, you can pull it out and re-read it. Those bad days can sneak up and bite you in the butt, and this beautiful post may help you refocus for that day.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to definitly try this. Looks great!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing remarkably well, considering the short amount of time since your incredible loss. It took me a lot longer to get to that point. You are an inspiration to me. Love and hugs, Marguerite
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to see you're finally getting a little peace so that you are able to enjoy the memories of him. I know you'll have your days, that will take time, but you are on the right track! And, I'm still praying for you....
ReplyDeleteAnd I forgot to tell you how nice that picture is of him too....
ReplyDeleteThat picture of him was taken last year at this time up in Shelbourne Massachusetts. Behind him are the largest geologic pot holes in the country (the world?) He is happy. At the heart of him he was a geologist and to see such a site was astounding to him. (smiling at the memory). He taught me all sorts of science-like stuff. Boring? No... not to me. I always got such a kick out of him and his mind. Almost as big a kick as he got out of himself! And that sweater? it is vintage WWII. The sweaters fighter pilots wore under their leather fly boy coats. What a funny guy my husband was.
ReplyDeleteSo proud of you. I have no doubt that he wants you to continue to live a full and joyous life. He loved you too much to want otherwise.
ReplyDeleteSandy at (ADD HUMOR....)sent me to your blog. I lost my husband September 2, 2010. Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom. I am going to print this post so I can read it when I am having a 'bad' day. I, too, was lucky to love and be loved. babsy1946@frontier.com
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and strong and wonderful and wise and a brilliant woman and a wonderful example of what a wife is.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud to know you and pray for you through this journey. Well done, friend. Well done.
Keep going....we're all here cheering you on.
I hope to heal with you. It is such a hard road I wish neither of us had to travel it. Thank you for sharing your journey. Take care.
ReplyDelete