Monday, August 15, 2011

One More Step

Today I did what I could not do for the past year. 

I cleaned out my husband's dressers and closets. 
I saved a few things that will always remind me of him and who he was. The rest is nestled into 5 large contractor bags and is being donated to a homeless mission that my sister-in-law is a director of.

I saved all of my husband's running shirts and will make quilts out of them for all the kids. Lots of cutting, sewing, piecing, tears and memories but I think they will love it. 

I don't know how I feel right now. Not happy, not altogether sad. Maybe a bit numb.

How is it possible to reduce someone's life to a few packages? 

Suits, ties, and dress shirts remind of the wonderful formal times we shared. Weddings, dinners, the cruise we took and sat at the Captain's table... 

Work clothes remind me of his love for his career. He really felt he made a difference in this world, and he DID! Jim left this earth a better, cleaner place for generations to come. 

Casual clothes remind of his laid back manner, fun filled days and nights just "being us". 

All his winter wear find me picturing him flying down the snowy slopes of some mountain. Poetry in motion on skis. Family vacations, cold hands and warm mugs of coffee laced with a bit of Bailey's Irish Cream for us, hot chocolate for the kids.

Sweatshirts from college; torn, tattered but still he wore them in the fall to rake leaves. I can still see him, baseball hat on his thick head of black hair, and 30 year old sweatshirt (it's an oldie but goodie just like me he would tell me). 

So many people wrapped into one. Husband, father, son, brother, boss, so  many hats to wear and he wore them all so well with a humble humor and zest for everything in life. 

I will smile this winter when the cold winds blow knowing that someone, somewhere, will be warm in a coat, a scarf, gloves, perhaps a pair of his fine wool boot socks.

Perhaps someone will wear one of his suits to a much needed job interview. 

Maybe one of his caps will shield someone's head from the hot sun. 

I wish it wasn't so, but it was time and the clothes never really made the man. He was all he ever needed to be all by himself without any dressing up.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Prayer

Dear God,

Help me get through today with Grace and Gratitude.


The Geologist and the Giant Potholes. A happy man.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

36 Hours

In 36 hours (one year ago) my husband died.

This morning (one year ago) I kissed my living, breathing husband goodbye for the last time. 

He was to return to our beach house in 36 hours to continue our family vacation. He had a doctor appointment on Monday, August 9th. and a big drilling job to complete on Tuesday, the 10th. He was going to rejoin us Wednesday morning, August 11th.

We walked the dog on the beach Monday morning, as was our ritual, then had coffee and breakfast before he headed out for the one hour trip back home and work. I remember standing in the driveway of the beach house and he kissed me goodbye. I remember saying to him that "that was no goodbye kiss and did he want to go back in the house" LOL.... 
I know, I know, too much information - but we were in love.

I wonder if somehow he knew. Somehow, on a cellular level, did he sense that we would never see each other alive again?

It took this picture of him that morning of our walk on the beach. You may remember. 

No footprints in the sand. 

 In 36 hours (one year ago) I would fall to my knees and scream out his name. Over and over again. 

I would go numb with disbelief and despair and I would begin a journey that no one (if you have not lost) could imagine.

In 36 hours I will mark the one year passing of the love of my life; the father of my children, my best friend, the man who adored me and I him (beyond reason).

In 36 hours I will honor his memory and remember our life together. I will marvel that I have survived. I will wonder what comes next. 

In 36 hours I will begin another chapter. The end of the "firsts" and the beginning of a year of unknown territory.

In 36 hours I will once again thank God that I have had the support of family and friends who have set their own lives aside to sit with me, to hold me, to insist I come with them on some journey or adventure or family BBQ or get together. To hold me in my grief, to cry with me. To understand. To help me to breathe. To mention his name when no one else wants to. I once again thank my friends and family who understand my need to talk about TBHITW - to remember, to laugh, to cry and then to laugh again. To embrace his life and sit through my endless recounting of it. Thank You. I love you. I could not have survived without you.

In 36 hours I will crumble into myself for a bit, then rise again and thank the god's (or GOD as you know Him) that He gave me this amazing man - for a least a brief moment in time. A man who loved and honored me and his children and his family above all earthly things. A man beyond imagination. A man (and a human being) who was taken too soon, but from whom we could all learn a lesson in loving from. 

Recipes Soon. I promise. 


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